A Story About Paying Off Debt and the Obstacles Along the Way

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Everything Is Difficult And I'm Tired



Let me preface this post with the following disclaimers:


1. Yes, I am grateful for the things I have. Requisite gratitude list available upon request. 

2. Yes, I am genuinely happy for your successes and happiness. 

3. Yes, I understand that there is good everywhere. Cute dogs and puppies and kittens and children and ice cream, yaaaayyyyyy. Also The Great British Baking Show.

4. Before someone tells me I just need to try harder and think more positively, please note that at this point in 2020 I am practically the second coming of Tim Ferriss. I am controlling and maximizing and optimizing everything I possibly can. I work out for 45 minutes every day, write for 45 minutes every day, submit 2-3 job applications every day, check my bank account balance every day, get outside every day, drink 70+ ounces of water every day, eat a healthy diet every day, and have all of my work done before noon EVERY DAY. 

Moisturizer and sunblock? Yup, every day. 

My house is as tidy as it's ever been. Oh, and I stopped drinking, which means I'm getting 6-8 hours of high-quality sleep every night (but honestly, I question the sanity of this decision).

5. I'm fine-ish, so please don't tell me to find a therapist. Also, I can't afford a therapist.

Now that we have all of that out of the way for the bootstrapper crowd, the main thing I want to say is that I'm tired of pretty much everything in this fucking timeline. Done. 

I am tired of all of the extra emotional labor that has come with 2020.

I am suuuuuper tired of the emotional labor required to explain emotional labor to people who don't get it.

(I'm not alone. Every woman I know has had it.) 

(Really cannot overemphasize how much I want to dump the emotional labor off a cliff.)

I am tired of being in my house all the time.

I am tired of the way I talk to my cat like she's a person who wants to listen to me, because I'm 85% sure she doesn't like me as much as I like her and 99% sure she wants me to find someone else to yammer at.

I am tired of feeling like I can't trust other people to be responsible and protect the health of those around them.

I am tired of hot weather in autumn.

I am tired of my allergies.

I am tired of the McMansion construction next door.

I am tired of living in a place that I love but can't afford and will never be able to afford.

I am tired of this stupid job search, tired of not hearing back about almost all applications, and tired of feeling like a failure even though I'm a hard worker with a Ph.D.

I am tired of landing in shit jobs with shit managers and shit policies.

I am tired of feeling expendable at work.

I am tired of heartless, incompetent people earning more money than the good, competent people below them.

I am tired of the personal finance people who have so much cashola that none of these events affect them and therefore they're confidently spouting the same tired, smug advice circa 2012 (and often getting paid for it).

I am SO TIRED of worrying about money.

I am tired of worrying about healthcare and health insurance.

I am tired of feeling like I'm working hard to get nowhere.

I am tired of terrible men and their terrible behavior and their incessant talking. Please, man, SHUT UP.

I am tired of people flying their racist, sexist, misogynistic asshole flags and then trying to justify it with gaslighting tactics, as if we can't see what you're doing, CHAD. 

I am tired of rich people having to make zero sacrifices while the rest of us make alllll the sacrifices.

I am tired of the way this pandemic has been handled. It has caused so much suffering - the illness itself, yes, but also the economic, social, and personal fallout.

I am tired of people dying needlessly and tired of the way we're now acting like it's no big deal.

I am tired of crying as often as I cry now. It makes my eyes puffy. Tired of that, too.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk. Fuck 2020.

Rants of commiseration welcome. Lectures will be deleted.


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11 comments:

  1. Yes to all of this!

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    1. Oh good. I mean, not good, but... at least we're not alone in these things?

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  2. I've never commented on a blog before, but this post so perfectly captures and articulates my (so far) unexpressed feelings and thoughts I felt I had to! Sending all my commiserations and sympathy to you :)

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    1. Thank you! I really appreciate the comment and commiseration. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, too, and I realllllly hope everything gets better for everyone.

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  3. I hear you! This has been a totally messed up year! Thank goodness Netflix put the Great British Baking show back on but seriously, one episode per week instead of getting to binge watch it? Now they are fucking with us 😝

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    1. Right?!? Just GIVE US THE EPISODES WE NEED THEM. Though I suppose I'd probably watch all of them in a day and then end up feeling even more bereft. LOL.

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  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. YES, to hell with the emotional labor, I don't even have the energy to explain why it's exhausting me so.

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    1. If that part of this whole shitshow would go away, I'd be far, far less frustrated. LOL.

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  6. Sending you a virtual toast (with sparkling cider, if you like). This encapsulates the "I'm trying really damn hard but 2020 just overpowers it all" feelings so well.

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